Living your dreams isn’t always easy.
Since I’ve started Vesta, we’ve been through a pandemic and homeschooling.
I signed a lease on the studio when went into Second Lockdown measures and Digbeth has become an inaccessible building site.
Last year I lost my seamstress because I couldn’t afford to pay her the increased rates she needed to charge because of the cost of living crisis.
I had a cash flow issue as I messed up my tax return. I ended up paying a bigger bill than I should have… so I had less money in my account when I had my big orders come in.
The big orders are amazing.. but in retail you don’t get paid until at least 30 days after your order is delivered.. so with a cash flow dip I had to use our family savings to pay for materials and rent until I was paid.
Speaking of rent, that’s also increased in line with the cost of living.
I did the majority of making the products last year work, with some help from my angel friend Penny.
I barely took any time off through last summer, my only holiday was 6 days in a tent… which was actually bloody lovely.
Every so often I feel like I should give this all up and get a job… but reading job descriptions gives me anxiety. I haven’t been employed in a “proper” company for 10 years… I worry all the time that my skills are completely out of date for the jobs that exist now should Vesta not stand the test of time.
Mentally, running my own business has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, tho actually second to post natal Depression.
I’m an emotional person. I’m a flawed person, with my self esteem tied to my perceived success. Sometimes i judge my own position in relation to friends who have continued climbing the corporate ladder and have reached some high highs. In a world where value is placed on a financial success and provision.
In honesty I’ve hit a low… I haven’t experienced one like this for 18 months or so……… I’m tired, I’m lonely and I’m aching for something.. the ocean i think.
There’s always a voice though. Sometimes it’s quiet and sometimes it’s loud. Right now it’s a quiet voice and I have to search for it… but it says… you are creating something different. Not just a shop, not just products but a blue print of a way of life, a simple
way we can improve life for humans on earth.
Living this way takes strength… and it isn’t weakness that makes me question what I do. It’s part of the cycle. It’s part of me. It’s part of the process.
I know that I am putting into the world something that I want to see. Sometimes it’s hard to describe it in any other way.
That thing is sustainability and true integrity in process, in fabrication and in relationship to our earth. It also is in reverence to the feminine… creativity, rest, community and care. It’s about questioning systems and institutions that try to dampen critical thinking.
It’s about the knowledge that lives in our bodies, that exists in our ancestral lineage. The knowledge that is key to caretaking and stewarding the land.
The idea that rather than leaving wealth in currency and assets and inheritance that we leave this planet having taken care of our piece. That we got involved in something bigger than ourselves. That we pass down the knowledge of how to steward the land. How to take care of ourselves. Sharing our histories and herstories.
It’s about shining the light, a beacon of what could be. Of a better way in my eyes.
And beyond everything… it is about love. A deep love of the ocean and her watery depths. Understanding that the key to health of the world is held in the health of the waters here.
I’m not giving up on that.
